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Your Recovery
“Toolbox” “Julies”
Food Year Journal in Review Part 1 Your Recovery
“Toolbox” Abraham Maslow, a famous psychologist once said, “When your only tool is a hammer, all problems begin to look like nails.” I often refer to an eating disorder as a tool box that has but one tool, a hammer. A hammer is fine, if you need to drive a nail. But if you need to cut wood or take out a screw, it is worthless; & in fact if used will do more harm than good. If the only “tool” in your “tool box” is a hammer, giving up the hammer is very threatening. Women often say “I’m afraid to give up the eating disorder, because it’s all I have.” I reassure them that if they add tools, rather than give up the one tool they have, it would feel much more secure. And just as in real life, a tool that isn’t used much, will eventually get shifted to the bottom of the tool box. So what tools do I think are necessary for recovery ? What are my top 10 recovery tips “a la David Letterman” ? 1.) The most obvious one sounds a lot simpler than it really is. We need to relearn how to eat according to our body cues for hunger & fullness. We knew how to do this intuitively as an infant & we “unlearned” it as we grew older. We have to “purge” all the diet & food rules we carry around in our heads, & eat according to what our body needs & wants. That brings us to 2.) learning to recognize food thoughts that pop up when we are not hungry to cover up other emotions. But if we are not going to eat our anger, loneliness, anxiety or emptiness, what are we going to do with them? 3.) We need to learn self-soothing behaviors & thoughts to calm & nurture the parts of us that get angry, lonely, anxious or feel empty. I am not talking about simple advice like take long walks or bubble baths. I mean making an empathic connection with those younger parts that are stuck in the past, carrying the burden of these unpleasant feelings. This is something best done with a therapist who can help you uncover the original positive intention for these young parts. In order to unburden these young parts, we must 4.) work to turn our inner critic into an ally who can help us feel in control of our lives & help us achieve our positive potential. We also must 5.) find a wise, loving, nurturing, caretaking part within us who can give to our young parts what we didn’t receive when we were young. When we have done this we will 6.) develop an inner strength, a place of peace that we can tap into any time Life “gives us lemons”. (And you can guarantee that it will, over & over, - not because we are bad or defective people. But because Life does this to everyone.) That reminds me of 7.) learn to recognize our distorted thoughts (such as taking things personally) and replacing them with kind, gentle, rational thoughts. (I often recommend the book Feeling Good by David Burns.) In doing this, we will be 8.) letting go of our perfectionism. (See the article on perfectionism in the previous newsletter.) I think we must “dare to be average”! Did you cringe when you read that word ? Most people interpret average to mean mediocre, “Then I won’t be special!” But I believe we are and always have been “Good Enough” just as we are; but we weren’t taught to see it because of our parent’s inability to see it. Parents have problems too. So 9.) learning the difference between a fact and someone else’s opinion is crucial to seeing ourselves as “Good Enough”. 10.) This one’s a hard one. Going back (in our heads) to understand & forgive our parents for being human beings with weaknesses & flaws, who may not have had the “tools” to cope very effectively with Life themselves. They couldn’t teach us these tools if they didn’t have them to begin with. Its up to us now to do so for ourselves. I’m afraid that I am out of numbers & also out of space. There are so many more things; this could have been a top 20 or 50 list - but I will leave that to a future article in another newsletter. Be kind to yourself. Peace. Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC, offers individual,
couples and group counseling at The Awakening Center. (Sliding fee available.)
She has developed a loving “Julie’s” Food Year
Journal in Review, Part 1 The following article is Part 1 of “Julie’s” journey to heal disordered eating. She is struggling with body image issues but as you will see her preoccupation with food has changed a great deal. As a tool, I ask my clients to review the year since starting on their journeys. Because I no longer measure a client’s progress by the scale, calories consumed, or dress size, yearly reviews are especially helpful. The focus is how life is different in terms of the energy expended obsessing about how much food is eaten or the size of one’s body. In other words, how are your responses with food different? How accepting are you of your current body size? January 1995. I had just started a new job. I was extremely unhappy, nervous & disappointed with this job. I was also desperately trying to stay on a diet plan. I was weighing myself every morning. I was bingeing until I was sick; I even missed Christmas dinner because I felt so sick from bingeing all day. In January I ate only diet frozen entrees, diet foods, & vegetables because it fit easily into my food “exchanges”. I only went to restaurants where I knew the menu. I rarely drank alcohol. I got very stressed out if I could not control what I was served. I began bingeing at my new office. I would sneak down to the snack shop & get 9 or 10 cookies, then eat them in the phone booth or anywhere else where others could not see me. February - The bingeing continued. I interviewed for a new job. At the interview, they bought me lunch. I was so relieved that I could order a turkey sandwich, but got upset that I couldn’t measure how much the turkey weighed. I could stay on the diet plan for about 4 or 5 days, then I would binge. I had frequent headaches. I got the job. My old office had a going away party for me; with a cake with chocolate icing. I was so relieved that I could eat a piece of cake without bingeing, that when I got home I flushed the remainder of the cake down the garbage disposal. Later in the month, I went to visit a friend & binged the entire evening. All I wanted was for my friend to go to sleep so I could eat more. The next day, I punished myself by only eating rice cakes & carrots. I had a terrible headache, puffy eyes; my stomach was bloated. I felt like I had a hangover. March - I started the new job & the bingeing continued. I was still weighing myself every day & walking 2 miles every morning, even in bitter cold. On my friends birthday, we all went out for dinner. I tried to work late enough to miss the food, but I got there just as they were serving. I didn’t eat, but when I got home, I binged on anything I could find, even my roommate’s food. I realized that this could not continue. I asked my doctor to recommend a therapist. I started working with Penny. April - The bingeing got worse. I could not go for more than 2 or 3 days without a binge. My new job was horribly stressful & my new boss was very abusive & sexually harassed me. I was eating constantly; I binged on food I didn’t even like. When our office had catered lunches, all I would think about was food; I couldn’t even pay attention to the meeting. Once when one of the partners in the firm noticed that all the cookies were gone, I was so concerned that he would know it was me. I would sneak food in my blouse up to the office from the street vendor downstairs. I read a book about food addictions. I was convinced that I was “addicted”. It recommended attending Overeaters Anonymous at least three times a week and so I started going to OA meetings faithfully. I felt better that I was doing something to help myself but the bingeing continued. May - My OA “sponsor” suggested that I see Mary Lynn, a registered dietitian. She did not agree with Mary Lynn’s approach, but recommended her nonetheless. I went to see Mary Lynn & discussed what I ate. After saying it out loud, I couldn’t believe how ridiculous my food had become. Mary Lynn described it as a “food prison”. She suggested that for one week, I eat whatever I want. I felt so excited. She set me free! My work week was horrible. I turned to food & ate myself sick. I told Mary Lynn how I had binged all week. She asked me what was going on & I told her about my abusive boss. She said “No wonder you’re eating!” Penny & Mary Lynn both mentioned Prozac & I went to a psychiatrist & started taking the drug. I read Overcoming Overeating, & began demand feeding. I stopped going to OA. I threw out my scale. Mary Lynn said she couldn’t believe how ready I was for demand feeding. June - I quit my job. My food life settled down & my headaches stopped. I went through my “M&M cookie phase” when I kept M&M cookies with me all the time. One of my roommates asked me if I had become bulimic because I suddenly had so much food in the house. I would go to my favorite restaurant & eat dessert for lunch. I went home for my sister’s wedding & took a food bag. My family made a big fuss, but pretty much left me alone. I was so worried I wouldn’t fit into my dress, which had already been let out once, that my mother bought another dress in a larger size so that I would stop worrying. I fit into the original dress. I went to see Marianne at The Awakening Center for the first time. I felt really frightened when Marianne would not assure me that I would remain thin. She called it a “leap of faith”. In The Next Issue: Part 2 of “Julies” Food Year Journal in Review.
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